Naruto redone with crack and swear words
by funkmasterjo
Summary: Working Title. Someone give me something better. Pretty much redoing the series Abridged style and with swearing. Bunch of scenes more than a straight storyline. Narutocentric.
1. Let's Jump Straight to The Bell Test

Premise:

Okay. So I decided to start bringing this thing over from TFF. Why? Because if I can run Naruto and his Uzumaki Heritage on a half-assed premise then I can damn well do the same here.

This was inspired by The Reprint and Repackaging of Evangelion by Anonguy and The Key to a Successful Interview by The Ero-Sennin. I'm not sure if that's what they're called on . I guess I'll check on it later or someone can correct me. And also by the abridged series movement. I'm unaware if this has been done with Naruto yet, but this is my take.

Basically, it's kind of like making fun of the series and kind of like making the series make sense... thereby making it make fun of itself.

What you can expect:

Ganre: Crackfic, Humor mostly.  
Naruto: Lead role. Kind of perverted. Kind of a primary straight man (tsukkomi). Of course this makes him smarter than cannon. Not that that's saying much.  
Sasuke: An okay guy. Maybe a flat or background character.  
Sakura: Kind of perverted, too.  
Piarings: Used to have ideas. Threw most of them out. Might put a poll up for it later. Should probably split the poll I have up now into seperate ones for my stories.  
Bashing: To a generally tongue-in-cheek kind of degree.  
Swearing: A fair amount.  
Chapter Length: The Length of a scene. Since this is all abridged, that means it's usually pretty short. Like, 500 words sometimes. Sometimes it's like this one. 2000. But that's going to be rare.  
Update Period: 1-2 days until I work through all the TFF stuff. Then, totally at my discretion.

* * *

Chapter 1

Let's Jump Straight to The Bell Test

"So come at me with the intent to kill."

Naruto stared at the suicidal sensei oddly, and raised a hand. "But what if we, like, kill you?"

This amused the great Kakashi. "You probably don't need to worry about that."

"Well can I get it in writing?" Naruto asked. "I mean, if I do get a shot in and you wind up dead, I don't want to end up in the joint or anything." He shivered. "I'm so damn sexy – I wouldn't last a day."

Kakashi palmed his face and sighed. "You know what? Begin. Just… begin, okay?"

Sasuke and Sakura disappeared into hiding with a burst of speed that seemed to surpass human sight.

It was a speed which had never been displayed before, would rarely ever be displayed again, and was apparently only viable today to be used in order to dodge laterally into a shrub.

As for Naruto… Naruto remained standing and still seemed consternated.

Kakashi was ready to just give up on this mentally fucking challenged dipshit. "Aren't you going to hide?"

Naruto shook his head slowly. "I can't get over it." He said. "I mean, what kind of military organization tells it's fresh recruits that it's okay to kill their commanding officers? Are you trying to breed insubordination in the ranks? Are you telling me that when I become an active ninja I can totally try to kill anyone that bosses me around because I probably won't pull it off? That's like the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life."

"I…" Kakashi began to say, before actually thinking about it. "…Shut up. Just… get the bells okay?"

Naruto shrugged. He had his fancy kage-bunshin thing which took out Mizuki-sensei, but he knew he couldn't summon that many clones again without a bitching mad-on so he thought he would be sneaky.

Of course he could try and sneak up on him. However, Naruto had his own way of being sneaky. And he was really good at it, too.

He broke into the Hokage Tower, motherfucker!

And he knew that you can't really run into hiding while a guy's looking right at you and expect good results. Especially if he's some kind of badass.

No matter how big your shrub was.

So Naruto assessed.

Considering this guy… he noticed that he had this whole Cyclops thing going on…

…Sasuke, if he was half the super-ninja he told himself he was, would try and take advantage of that…

In other words, a distraction would definitely come from that side.

Huh.

Okay.

So… Naruto waited. He scratched his cheek. After a while, Kakashi started to read his book and Naruto offered to play some UNO because UNO is bitching.

Then Sasuke, fed up with this boring crap almost as much as the reader must be at this point, launched out of the shrubbery to the Jounin's left, right in his blind eye's… blindside.

Of course, Kakashi had to turn to face the actual threat – and Naruto took the opportunity to slowly creep into hiding.

There he conveniently bumped noses with Sakura. "Hey Sakura-chan," Naruto greeted, "you wanna' team up and have a sweet two-person team life, and maybe go on adventures and date and get married and stuff?"

"No." The pinkette (naturally collered or dyed or whatever) deadpanned. "And no, and no, and hell to the fucking no. Those two bells are mine and Sasuke-kun's!"

Naruto wondered again why he was so attracted to the flat-chested girl that would rather kick him in the nuts than tell him hello. And then he remembered: oh yeah, she died her hair an absurd color (he thought) like a punk – and hey, she was feistier than a cat at the edge of a waterfall.

Rawr.

Wait, wait, wait. He was doing it again. He was getting distracted by a cute, wide forehead and a perky attitude.

If Naruto knew one thing, it was that chicks digged guys in uniforms. The popular references told him so and those were almost always right.

And in this villiage, uniforms basically meant headbands.

That's what this thing on his head was for. It wasn't to protect his forehead, which realistically speaking was the part of the head most resilient to damage. It was to frickin' _get the babes!_

So he _had _to succeed.

So resolved, Naruto began to undress.

"Wh-What are you doing?" Sakura almost screeched. Need to stay hidden from her Jounin-sensei capped her normal screech to just barely respectable secret-talk level.

Noting his company, Naruto switched to strip-tease mode.

Sakura covered her eyes in shock, but totally peeked through the gaps in her fingers stealthily – like a ninja.

Naruto had muscles?

Of course he did. He was a known hard worker and he hated textbooks. What else was he going to do than push-ups and junk?

Seeing that he'd caught her interest, Naruto independently flexed his chest muscles. Eight years of ninja training in ninja school had given a lot of kids the beginnings of defined musclecature, but could they do this?

Probably not.

"P-Pervert!"

…And there goes another wasted three days on what, apparently, was a rather useless skill – Naruto thought.

"I'm just changing clothes." Naruto explained, finishing his (admittingly short) strip-tease of his jacket and pants to reveal… a black t-shirt and black pants.

"You had pants on underneath?" Sakura hissed, affronted by the false advertisement.

Please get used to it, Sakura. False advertisement is everywhere these days.

"Why did you do that?" She asked.

"Are you serious?" Naruto asked. "I can't sneak up on a Jounin in my normal clothes. I have to use my stealthy clothes."

Please understand. His stealthy clothes were just black clothes.

"I… Wha…" Sakura spluttered.

"Silly Sakura, don't you know that orange isn't a good color for sneaking up on people?" Naruto asked. "Honestly. I love your naiveté but get your head in the game, okay?"

"You… you can sneak around?" Sakura asked. "You're so loud!"

"Sakura-chan." Naruto deadpanned. "Let me tell you. I'm so stealthy that you don't even _know I'm stealthy_. Random old people want to beat me up for reasons I only found out about 24 hours ago. And I get chased by ANBU or whatever like, every day. So I tell you now only because I want you to be impressed and let me into your pants at the fastest possible speed, but actually sneaking around is kind of my thing. I learned it on the streets running and hiding from all sorts of shit. Not being sneaky is like my secret identity. My super identity is I can sneak the fuck around. I'm like freaking Batman… if Batman was a freaking ninja… which he is."

And Naruto was, too.

Leaving a stunned Sakura in his wake, he proceeded to prove his point.

Among other ninja things: he plot his path so he didn't step on dry leaves or twigs, he stepped lightly, he moved quickly, and he was using Sasuke as a distraction as he moved from cover to cover like the sneaky little bastard he was.

Kakashi continuously schooled Sasuke – no surprise there. However, the cycloptic jounin had to admit he was kind of bored – actually. So he kept letting the kid get back up and try to kill him for a chance at a small piece of copper.

Meh. It was something to do.

Sasuke was understandably pissed that he was being tossed around like a rag doll and played like a marginally more manly action figure. Therefore, he went into that infamous combo thing where he barely touches a bell and Kakashi tosses him away.

Just as Kakashi was recovering from the close call, Naruto took his opportunity to strike.

He dashed low to the ground, stepping in Kakashi's shadow with light steps and bumped the Jounin in passing.

And then he was taken down into an arm-lock.

"Ow. Shit." Naruto swore.

"You snuck up on me." Kakashi said. His was a tone not of admonishment, nor of shock, but of a kind of bewildered confusion. "You snuck up… on… me?"

He couldn't even figure out if he was supposed to be surprised or offended.

"Streetpunk style:" Naruto explained through his wince at the arm-lock, "Sneak up and pickpocket them-no jutsu!"

Kakashi blinked. He had taken the punk down as a matter of principle, but now he noticed that the little brat actually had his fingers around a bell! "Streetpunk style?"

"Man, if my arms were like, a little shorter, I would have snapped the bell off when you took me down."

Kakashi noted that in this pose, yes, Naruto's arm at full extension just about retained contact with one bell and if his arm had been shorter when Kakashi yanked him down Kakashi would have de-belled himself.

Phew. Dodged a bullet there. That would have been embarrassing.

"Don't be silly." Kakashi argued. "If your arms were shorter then I would have used a different hold. Every move I make is a carefully calculated step in a dance of deception and purpose."

Naruto, face pressed half into the ground, expressed doubt with the other half of his face. "But I got a bell."

"You touched a bell. Like Sasuke."

"But it's in my hands! That means it's mine, so that means I got it! So I pass!"

"And it's attached to my belt." Kakashi argued back. "So it's technically ours and not yours, so it doesn't count."

A look of sudden joy crossed the gennin-to-be's face and Naruto abruptly stuck his tongue out. "Not any more."

"What?"

"Streetpunk style: Annoy them and cut their purse while they're distracted-no jutsu… success!"

Kakashi blinked, looking at his waist. Surely, Naruto's hand was still suspended there, but he had managed to cut the bell string. "How did you…?"

"And Iruka-sensei said biting my fingernails until they were like serrated edges would be a bad habit." Naruto scoffed. "I showed him."

"…Damn." Kakashi sighed. Kid had gotten a bell.

Like that.

Seriously?

That was just depressing.

And it threw off his whole moral challenge thing.

Sasuke took this moment to launch an (enraged) assault. Surely if Naruto could get a bell-!

x-hours later-x

Naruto felt pretty jilted, since he got a bell after all and then this lazy porn-reading sunnovabitch tells them all that the bells don't really matter and that they needed teamwork to try and get the bells.

Except Naruto didn't need no fucking teamwork to get a bell because he was like freaking Batman if Batman was a ninja… which he was.

But then authority figures steamrolling him was pretty much the story of his life. At this point, he was surprised that he even got a bento out of it.

Wait, was he going to get a bill for this later? He eyed the box suspiciously.

Sakura was tied to a log because, well… she did nothing. And Kakashi sure didn't bring that rope all the way here for nothing.

Her stomach growled.

Naruto looked at her. He looked at his bento. "Want some?" He offered with his chopsticks.

"No!" Sakura denied, not wanting to be fed by the boy she disliked.

"Sakura," Sasuke interjected. "I don't sense Kakashi around but he could be back any second. If the objective of this test is truly teamwork, then you particularly need to be in top shape to try and keep up."

Like a scolded puppy, Sakura gave a cute kind of pout and acquiesced. "Okay. Can you feed me?"

"Not even with a ten-foot pole." Sasuke replied instantly.

Sakura whimpered sadly, and turned reluctantly back to Naruto. "…Naruto?"

Naruto considered his crush for a few seconds, before his eyes widened in realization. Quickly, he fed himself a piece of rice, and then offered another to Sakura.

"Ewww! You just put that in your mouth! That's an indirect kiss!"

"Hell yeah!" Naruto chirped, offering the food.

"Hell-the-fucking-no!" Sakura shot back.

"How about dinner and a show?" Naruto offered. "Want me to strip again?"

"Yeah right, that was a total scam – I mean!" She caught herself, looking at Sasuke in panic. "It's not like it sounds like!" She insisted to her crush.

"It's totally like it sounds like." Naruto confided conspireatingly to Sasuke.

Sakura glared. "It's not! I – I was forced to watch!"

Naruto leaned in again. "It was totally voluntary – when have I ever managed to force Sakura-chan into anything? Think about it."

"Naruto you bastard!"

"I. Don't. Care." Sasuke grit out. "Can we please focus on the god-damned test, you deranged pair of–"

When Kakashi arrived, it was to a scene not unlike the aftermath of a food-fight. Sasuke and Naruto were panting from an apparent scuffle and Sakura was crying a river of silent tears and mouthing 'indirect first-kiss'.

Kakashi's shout of 'congratulations!' died on his lips, transmuting into another one of what he was sure would be a long series of sighs.

Fuck. He was going to pass them, wasn't he?

* * *

A/N: Well, here it is. Let me tell you, I can make fun of the cannon universe at like, the drop of a hat. Give me a computer, a can of soda, and nothing better to do, and I'm there. That's it. Oh, but making it quality humor? That's a different story. But the point is, I have like a +9 to initial rough draft bonus.

I mean, I've read so many – _so many_ – Naruto fanfics by this point in time and so many – _so many _– of them follow the same events of the cannon storyline because – let's face it – early Naruto was when Naruto was at its best, storyboard wise. So it's really no surprise I find it so easy to make fun of. I could more or less recite early Naruto with my eyes closed. And after reading so man – _so many _– fanfics I have of course accumulated a lot of views on the aforementioned early Narutoverse. It's the same with a lot of people.

Sometimes I just wish… I don't know… I just wish the Narutoverse was just… more. More money into the animation budget for the early fights. More detail on chakra mechanics. More focus on a core cast. More continuity. God. _More continuity_. Not just continuity in the strict sense of not breaking the past. Continuity of thought. Continuity of development. Continuity in the theatric sense. Like... I can't really explain it. But all together more of… just… _moreness_. Lately I… I dunno. I've been really feeling it. Like, in my heart. Seriously.


	2. Kyuubi Intermission 1

It's short but that's what makes it random and fabulous.

Until further notice, Kyuubi Intermissions occur when Naruto goes to sleep at the end of the day, on various days after he has learned of Kyuubi. So these are happening over time.

* * *

Kyuubi Intermission #1

Better to be _ off than _ on.

Naruto stared at the giant form of the Kyuubi no Kitsune. He had been having this dream every night since he had discovered his cursed fate.

Were he most other individuals, he would be terrified. Yet seeing as he already had experience pranking jounins and giving Kage's the bird, he had acclimated by the second day.

That was just how he rolled.

"You killed a lot of people. It was horrible. It was senseless. It was a catastrophe greater than any catastrophe before." Naruto narrowed his eyes. "And then you got the blame for it all pinned on me. No one – I mean NO ONE leaves Uzumaki Naruto holding the bag. Especially not when the afore-mentioned bag causes supermarkets to charge me extra for ramen packs, and makes it even more difficult to get laid than it ought to be for a handsome young devil such as myself. Now, I think of myself as an optimist. I would like to leave the past behind me and do my best with a positive attitude. But you, sir, have incurred my terrible wrath. Do you know what we do on the streets, as the –ultimate- punishment, to people that piss us off?"

"DO YOUR WORST, CHILD OF MAN! YOUR SIN WILL NEVER EXCEED MINE IN YOUR INFANTILE EXISTANCE! I HAVE SEEN IT ALL! I HAVE DONE IT ALL! I HAVE STARED DEATH ITSELF IN THE FACE! I –"

*ZIP*

"We piss on them. Poetic, isn't it?"

"You **–monster-!**"

"I what? Where did you go?"

"You would **–mark-**me?"

"I would?" Wait, the far reaches of the cage were not well lit. Peering into the darkness, Naruto then saw some illumination – as if his will itself had some kind of influence over his mindscape. This was an incredibly original thought that wasn't, like, obvious or lifted from every other kyuubi involved Naruto fanfic or anything.

And Naruto saw the new form of the Kyuubi, smaller, pressed into a corner like a rat.

"You would treat me as some form of –property-? As your –territory-? Disgusting! You go beyond even my malevolence! You worm! You protozoa! Dog!"

"B-B-" Naruto spluttered.

Bijuu? No. Although, she clearly was. Long, crimson tails flailed protectively around her nude form.

"B-Buh-B-"

Bare? No. Although she –was- naked, that was also not the word he fought to expunge.

"B-B-B-B-B-!"

Beautiful? No. Although she was that, too. Yellow fox's eyes were framed in a porcelain ivory visage and a head of crimson hair that was short and shimmering; wispy and wild – as if some god had frozen fire itself to crown her. Her slender and lithe form seemed to have no similarities to her giant fox shape, until one saw where all that lost proportional mass had gone directly to the beautiful woman's:

"**BOOBS!**" Naruto yelled, eyes bugging out.

* * *

A/N: On the topic of Kyuubi in fanfiction.

Ally!Kyuubi is generally done as A. a badguy that teaches Naruto to be a badguy or B. misunderstood or C. wanting to live longer because it dies with Naruto/wanting Naruto to bring glory to it's name and/or D. a hot chick.

I think of this as a horo-ish kind of kyuubi. Not exactly Horo, because Horo was really a nice person in her own way. But you get the idea. Frankly, it seems to be the most logical and believable Ally!kyuubi path to me. That sensibility, at least, is in keeping to the tone of the remake concept. Basically, it's animal/demon Kyuubi. Because kyuubi is… not human. And like… I think that means it not only should have non-human views on things that are plot convenient. Like polygamy or… well, polygamy is the most popular one. It should have non-human views on… everything. And it should also _behave _non-human just… in _general_. Like, when it talks. It shouldn't talk like an old pompus man or woman. It should talk like an old pompus demon fox.

Because… it's not human.

That's the kind of thing I mean when I talk about theatrical consistency.

I mean, there are justifications of doing things the other way. Reasons why it should talk like a person and not a fox. Respectable reasons. Just that it's been done. Done and done and done and _done_.

Oh yeah. The 'BOOBS' line is a reference to when Jiraiya says it in Naruto Abridged. Don't ask me why, but I can't get that line out of my head. It was just randomly thrown in to that episode, too.

Also, The blank in the title is 'pissed'. So: better to be pissed off than pissed on.


	3. It's a Catastrophe Over

I guess... I should write something here, for consistency's sake. Oh. Right, I haven't done a disclaimer yet.

Disclaimer: I disclaim things that are not mine.

Claimer: I claim everything else.

* * *

It's a Catastrophe. Over.

"Naruto. Have you seen the target, over?" Kakashi asked.

"Hey, how come we don't try to sound militaristic in our communication in any other given setting, Over?" Naruto asked back. "And why do we almost never use these funky ear piece communication devices in any of our other missions either, over?"

"Have. You. Seen. The. Cat. Over?" You could actually hear Sasuke's scowl over radio waves. Classy.

"I found it!" Sakura interrupted. "Over!" She added as an afterthought.

"Thank whatever diety I should be thanking." Sasuke sighed. "I'm sick of even thinking about that son of a bitch's ugly face, so can we do this and go home? Over?"

"Do you mean the cat from hell, or just Naruto?" Sakura quipped. "Over?"

Even Sasuke, strong in the dour side though he was, could not resist the temptation of the humorous side of the force. "Can't it be both, over?"

"I think Sasuke just made a joke." Naruto gasped. "Requesting permission to check for flying pigs and, if such is found, requesting permission to kill one and roast it into delicious bacon-chicken-wings. Over."

"Whatever. Naruto, do your sneaky thing. Over." Sasuke demanded.

"Hell no. What would be the point of hiding my stealthy clothes," they're just black clothes, "under my regular clothes, and hide my sneakiness under a veneer of brash obnoxiousness if I just drop it all at the drop of a hat? Do you know how hard it would be for me to sneak around and steal three square meals a day, if suddenly I was known for sneaking – over?"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Okay. 1: don't even try to pass off your cheeky loud attitude as an act." She deadpanned. "And 2: you steal your food?"

"Only the fresh stuff. If I want like, expired milk, I can just buy it for three times market value, over."

"That makes no sense, over." Sakura said.

"You're telling me, over."

"He actually has a point." Kakashi admitted. "About the sneaking around stuff, I mean. The heart of stealth is to keep your target unaware. Over."

"Who's going to tell?" Sakura demanded. "The cat?"

"You never know with felines these days." Naruto mused. "It could be a ninja cat. And you forgot to say 'over'. Over."

"Would you just strip down and do it, already?" Sakura demanded. "Over!"

"That sounded kind of perverted." Naruto observed. "Over."

Sakura growled. "Oh, fuck you. Over."

"That wasn't much better. Over."

Something snapped. Considering the timing, it was probably Sakura's patience. "Sneak up and catch the cat or I swear I will beat you within an inch of your life. Over and over. Over."

"I'll do it if you watch me strip again." Naruto shot back. "Over and over and over. Over."

"That's not even a real strip!" Sakura screamed. "A-And I wouldn't want to watch, even if it was!"

"You know you love it, honey. And See? We already argue like a married couple! Just go out with me already. Over."

"Over my dead body, Over!"

* * *

A/N: On the subject of Tora: More people should skip the cat scene. Or kill the cat off-screen. Just to go against the grain and screw the fads. But me, I will always do it for I cannot resist the humorous side of the force.

I feel there is some hidden value in separating the scenes by chapter and the scenes are blissfully short because I'm abridging shit. But these snips are probably too short to get their own reviews. Luckily, I don't really care. TFF comment on my snippets. Well, mostly they just thread jack and go off-topic, but still. And, really, I'm not doing this for accolades or review stats or anything like that (if I was, Naruto would have kyuubi mode, a harem, and have bashed most of the male cast by the third chapter). No. I'm doing it for the reding of the readership itself. And, more importantly, for the lulz. *Insert that picture of THE LULZ do it for them*


	4. Kyuubi Intermission 2

So I'm not absolutely certain that foxes disdain dogs in nature in the real world. Or that they like to mess with dogs. Honeslty, I read Naruto Genkyouen and I presumed that everything Daneel Rush ever said was made of win and truth.

And then I went to google but couldn't find totally conclusive evidence in my 20 min of searching.

And then I realised that Daneel Rush's words are made of truth _because _they are made of win. And so, even if the world tells me it is wrong I tell you now that Daneel Rush says so and that means I instantly win all related arguments you could make. Foxes hate dogs. That is Truth.

* * *

Kyuubi Intermission 2

Kyuubi was lounging around on her couch, naked and incredibly hot. In her humble (lies) opinion, she was far more attractive as a mountain sized nine-tailed lumbering force of death. However, she was assuming human form for the sake of the comfy couch and so that she could continue to read a humorous human book about a dog named spot and how it ran and then experienced various misfortunes such as falling down a hill.

"Poetry" she muttered. "Simple and poignant. A dog is punished for its dogness by the fates themselves. 'See Spot fall down the hill' indeed. We are to observe this divine punishment. We are invited to take merriment in the dog's misfortune. We are invited to jeer and extract enjoyment from his pain. Look how he randomly falls down that hill. There is no preamble. No rhyme or reason. And none can be inferred, because of course the preceding text is so simple. In its simplicity we know with absolute certainty that there is no foreshadowing. No premise. No inferable secret going-ons. He is a dog and he simply falls. His existence is reason for punishment in and of itself. His idiotic face is frozen into a single expression all his life, as he is not even gifted with the mental facility required to process his own cosmic misfortune. Be reborn as a cricket, pathetic dog."

There was a knock at the large double doors before her cage.

Kyuubi sighed and put the book back onto a bookshelf crafted out of Naruto's reading experiences. Aside from shinobi scrolls and porno magazines – none of which even had the articles read – the shelf was despairingly sparse. "Come in!" she called.

Naruto walked in, carrying a carpet over his shoulder.

"What's this? More trinkets, kit of man? It will avail you nothing. I told you. My chakra is my own body. You have no license for it's use - nor will you ever. Neither my energy nor my sensuality will every cross these bars. Even the smallest hair will never be yours. You are as a gnat to me. We are incompatible in every meaning of the word."

"Bitch." Naruto muttered.

And he tried to stay mad. He really did. He tried to keep the anger from washing away like dust in a shower.

But she was so _smoking_ _hot_!

It wasn't her body's fault that her mouth was so acidic.

Naruto sighed. "Man, I'm only doing this because you're a hot chick. It seems somehow wrong," he hefted the rolled carpet through her bars, "to keep you in the kind of cell you were in. Like I was violating some kind of universal hot girl treatment law."

And one day, he supposed he would have to get her a dress or a bra, or something.

Eventually.

Kyuubi 'hmph'ed and unrolled her new furnishing. If she cared about her nakedness, she didn't show it. "If you expect my praise for such rudimentary deductions, little kit, then you are sorely mistaken. I am ancient. I am endless. I am power, beauty, and sensuality made flesh. Even an infant could see that my majesty warrants the world itself. It is rudimentary. It is – Is this… is this fake moss?"

"It's a carpet."

"It's fake moss."

"You know what? Sure."

"It's not very good. Idiotic humans. Why would you not just gather real moss? You make no sense."

Naruto rolled his eyes and sat down before the bars as Kyuubi crawled over her new fake moss. "I still can't get over you being female."

"Of –course- the great Kyuubi no Kitsune is female. Male Kitsune are all pussies."

"…yeah?"

"It's common knowledge."

"Then… then what? Are female kitsune all dicks?"

"Indeed. We don't get fucked. We fuck others up."

Naruto froze. Slowly, partly out of courage and partly out of morbid curiosity, he tore his eyes away from her breasts and looked down. "Oh, thank god."

"What?"

"No. Just, I was caught up in the analogy."

"Weak mortal. You see? I have already fucked with your mind."

"Really not comfortable with these metaphors anymore."

"Don't be such a pussy, kit. Accept your mindfuck with grace."

"You are doing it on _purpose_, aren't you? You're grossing me out while making me feel like you're not being a - wait. Wait. Are you pranking me?" Naruto asked in dawning horror. "That's what this is, isn't it? You're _pranking _me. You're praking **_me_!**"

"I am kitsune." Kyuubi shrugged. "Pranking is somewhat of our national sport. But to be honest, I'm surprised you recognized the _thrust _of my intentions. You humans are all so woefully unskilled in the art of mockary."

"Oh it's on now! You do realize this means war? We shall see who the fucker is, and whom is the fuckee."

"Foolish mortal. You are incapable of fucking the mighty Kyuubi in _any sense of the word._ Your fate in this contest is predetermined."

"_Bring it on, bitch!_"

* * *

A/N: About Kyuubi and 'Spot falls down a hill'. I took her analysis of 'spot' based on life experience. I'm taking some English classes because, well, I write. So I thought it would be fun.

Let me tell you: Not really fun.

But I did pick up one or two things. One of those things was: you can overanalyze _anything_. Any _little piece of shit _that involves a part of the alphabet or a lack therof, you can _fucking overanalyze it_. Sometimes the author hides the hidden value on purpose. I know I do when I write, sometimes. But I swear these teachers want to breathe poignancy into _every line _of text. I could write a poem, right now, comprised of just the word _shit_ repeated over and over – literally a poem that is nothing but a column of shit. And as long as I was famous enough, it would suddenly be this wonderful thing that reflects something about sex and a war and the fact that men are all evil woman suppressing bastards, including myself.

Also, I posted something for Tsunade's Hier just recently. I'm weepy because I'm not getting the quantity nor the quantity of quality of reviews I expected. I suppose that sounds terrible, but what it means is that I'm not all that and a bag of potato chips after all. So that combined with finishing the review a song campaign demand means fuck Tsunade's Hier. Fuck it. I will always come back to that story but I'll write some other shit for a while.


	5. So How About That Raise?

Ehm. Kind of on a detour from the origional premise of making fun of cannon. But the last intermission begged for this. What can I say.

* * *

So... How About that Raise?

"Hokage-sama. Uzumaki Naruto demanding to see – buh!"

The Sandaime Hokage barely raised an eyebrow as his aide had a flung opened door slammed into his face.

"Jii-chan! We gotta' talk!"

The Sandaime saw the determined look on Naruto's face, sighed, and reached for his pipe. "I'm going to regret asking this but: what seems to be the problem, Naruto?"

Naruto finished disposing of the aide's body through the door, locked it, and raced to slam his palm angrily on the hokage's desk. "I want a raise!"

Sarutobi froze.

Oh no this little punk did not just go there.

"Hell no." Sarutobi said aloud. "What am I, made of money?"

"You haven't even heard me out yet." Naruto observed. "I deserve a raise."

"Have you considered that I might deserve _not _to give you a raise?"

"If you don't, I'll quit."

"Being a ninja?"

"Being a jailor."

"…Oh."

"Yeah."

"_That _job."

"Yeah."

"What am I paying you now?"

"Personal pity, a small stipend, and a shitty place to live."

"And what – that's not good enough for you?"

"Old man! I've got a _demon _in my gut being a _royal S-rank bitch!_"

"Back in _my day _concrete wasn't even invented yet. Hell, proper _woodwork _wasn't invented yet. We lived in bark houses and all the roofs leaked. In the winter it was cold as a nun's teat and in the fall random bugs would start to crawl out of every fucking thing. And you know what? We were grateful. We were _grateful _Naruto."

"Man, don't give me your bull story. Back in _your_ day human kind wasn't done evolving from monkeys yet. You were probably _eating_ those random bugs. And you're not getting my point."

"What _is_ your point, exactly?"

"The Kyuubi's being even more of a pain. So since my workload's gone up I deserve a raise!"

Sarutobi stared at Naruto for a few seconds. "What on earth have you done?"

"She started it! She started this prank war and I'm gonna' end it! I'm gonna' end it right in her hot obnoxious face!"

"Wait!" Demanded Sarutobi. "You… You started a **_prank_** war… with the most powerful and ancient **_kitsune_** the world has ever known? Not just _any _regular supernatural. A _kitsune_. And not just a good old, predictable killing war. A _prank _war."

"Yeah. So like I said, I need a raise."

"Are – Naruto. I need you to level with me. If my status as your _commander in chief_ means _anything _to you. If you have _any _shred of respect for the institution which you _serve_ then I need you to be totally honest right now. Are _you_ pranking me? Is this an elaborate mockery, or did you really engage in a battle of humiliation with the most powerful single existence in the entire world?"

"…She started it."

"Did I mention I'm transferring you to Kumo? Because I think that would be a good idea."

"Now's not the time for jokes! I'm on the run and I'm on the clock! I need money old man! This war isn't going to finance _itself!_"

"…Do I want to know what you are running from?"

"Her second big prank. The first one was just her messing with my hormones. She gave me erections at seemingly random intervals. Crazy ones."

Sarutobi laughed. "That's surprisingly juvenile. Is that all? That's not so bad. I was expecting the sky to start falling for the sake of a bad pun on your life."

"Laugh it up! Damn things are chakra powered. I ripped through half my best pants and I think I put some quiet girl from my class into a coma!"

"That would probably be Hyuuga Hinata."

"But for her _second prank _she made me produce _goddamn _pheromones."

"Aren't those the things that –"

"Attract mates through scent. Yes. The Kyuubi's are apparently some kind of… it was called…"

"Aphrodisiac?"

"That's the word."

Sarutobi blinked. "Sounds incredibly useful."

"You'd think so! And there is the irony! The terrible irony! There is the heart of the prank! That bitch! She's good – I'll give her that."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean a kitsune is a _fox _that gains extra tails because it lives for thousands of years. But it's still a _fox_."

"So you're saying her pheromones are attracting…"

"I have half the goddamn fox population of fire country trying to hump my leg! Look out your window sometime! It's a fucking moshpit of animal fur out there! And Kyuubi's a _chick _so these horny damn things are all trying to _gay me up!"_

Sarutobi snorted. Then he laughed. "Oh god. You have to admit that's funny."

"I will admit she's got a sense for irony." Naruto admitted grudgingly. "But my point is the war is escalating. We're approaching the stage of critical resentment mass. Soon, we'll reach that point where the forces of humor and humiliation are in equal balance. And then we'll push right past that point. And things are going to get… **_mean_.**"

"Can't you just wait it out? These pranks are not sadistic _yet. _Can't peace be a solution?"

"I have to tell you, I haven't exactly been passive old man. Before she did the pheromone thing I replaced her comfy couch pillows with pillow-looking rocks so that when she went to flop onto it she'd break her ass."

"But the Kyuubi and you are connected, Naruto. If you die, she does as well. Surely you can negotiate with such leverage."

"Eh, maybe yesterday. But I was really pissed off after being chased from the moment I woke up this morning by a hoard of amorous vulpine. And I have to tell you I might have hit back a little too hard to keep peace on the table."

Sarutobi stared at Naruto's solemn face. "What have you done?"

"I may have brought her a sign of surrender in the form of a giant dead rabbit that was actually stuffed with Red Savina Habanero Chili Peppers."

"...Isn't that the fourth hottest pepper in the world, said to be 100 x hotter than a common jalapeño?"

"Fifth hottest now. Some guy in water country bred another one of those things that you have to wear a HAZMAT suit to handle. But I had to use the Red Savina since I can only make mental objects of things I know well. I made up for it by cramming the _fuck_ out of that rabbit with Red Savina. Let me tell you: until you've seen a seventy foot fox roll around and bawl its eyes out for water you just haven't lived."

"I don't think antagonizing a creature that we can literally only get death itself can stop is such a –"

"I have to tell you: I may have done my super stealth sneaky thing under all the distraction and tied her tails together. And then painted them to reflect the colors of the rainbow. And then I might have shaved the words 'I'm a pretty pretty rainbow unicorn' onto various prominent parts of her fur."

"**Holy fucking shit** Naruto."

"So all together, things might have maybe become a little personal."

**"Holy. Fucking. Shit. Naruto."**

"So yeah, I need a raise so that I can pay for a sealmaster that can check me over. I want to make sure that she can't _actually _cause my body to explode in a way that will take us both out and the entire mainland continent with us… And then I need to have them modify my seal so that Kyuubi will turn into a cockroach every time she says the word 'puny'."

"You will stop this prank war **before we all end up dead!**"

"But I'm _winning!_"

* * *

A/N: Because I think that if Naruto has to put up with all that shit, he should at least get a raise. Also, the Hokage of a villiage of coldhearted badasses should be all about totally keepin' it real. Like a boss.

The Red Savina thing actually took a while to research. Also, you do need a protective suit to cook the #1 hottest pepper.


	6. Barter Like a Streetpunk

Finally. Lets get back to mocking the cannon. God.

* * *

Barter Like a Streetpunk

Naruto raised an eyebrow at his new mission parameters. "So… we're escorting a lush? What… is he, like, the regional speed-drinking champion or something?"

Tazuna nodded. Four years in a row.

"He's a bridge-builder actually," the Hokage answered "and you'll be escorting him to wave country."

"Well… okay, I guess." Naruto nods. "Sucks that it's not a hot princess or something, but it's a really, really big step up from chasing cats and cleaning drainage pipes so I would have to be severely delusional or some kind of chronic complainer to fight you on it. But this guy's drunk and everything. How do we even know if he filled out the paperwork right? What if he signed us up for the wrong level mission or something?"

The Hokage shook his head. "Naruto, Naruto, Naruto," he shook his head, bemused, "he's not –that- drunk. You would have to be totally and completely fucked over in the head to sign up for a C rank mission instead of, say, an A rank. Really, it's certain death you're talking about! That –tends- to sober people up about as well as any particular blunt instrument to the face would."

"We do get some people maybe once a year that –intentionally- pay for the wrong mission type though," an aide informed. "Like they can cheat us out of our money – even though we're ninjas."

(Almost) Everyone laughed at this.

"Ha ha ha! Yeah," Naruto wiped a tear from his eye, "I guess that would be pretty dumb. We cheat and kill people for money after all."

"Indeed," said the Hokage.

"So if they tell us wrong, what, we shake them down for everything they have and sell their organs on the ninja black-market?"

There was total silence for a moment.

"Why would you say that, Naruto?" The Hokage asked. "Do you… know someone? Because I've been looking through our laws and I think I could swing it."

"I can hook you up."

"Interesting."

"I want a cut though.10%"

"That's insane. Did you misplace a decimal? 0.5%"

"W-Wait." Tazuna, pale, interrupted. "You realize you're talking about selling someone's organs right? And that, like, we need those to live?"

Naruto ignored the lush. "Your Hokage bartering- no jutsu is no match for me. Just admit it. 9%"

"Your Streetpunk style: haggle shamelessly with no grounds in reality at whatsoever-no jutsu is indeed a force to be reckoned with, but you will not find me so easily swayed. 0.75%"

"8.99% and that's my final offer. I can't possibly - wait. Are we talking % of sales or % of profit?"

"Oh." Sarutobi blinked. "You were talking profit? That makes sense. Well Naruto, then perhaps you are becoming more mature. In that light you're almost reasonable."

"I mean – unless we're talking about non-essential organs." Tazuna reasoned. "Would you take all the organs or just the ones that you don't necessarily need to have two of to live?"

"_Almost_ _reasonable?_" Naruto asked. "I'm insulted. How dare you make such a claim. That hurt old man. That really hurt. 15%."

"What? That doesn't make you any more reasonable!"

Naruto blinked innocently. "I know."

"How about I just give you my last box of Ichigo Daifuku, which isn't on sale anymore now that spring ended, and I'll order one of the ninja that owes me a favour to go on a date with you. One 'swan' of the ANBU."

"Is she hot? Do I know her?"

The Hokage made a startlingly accurate gesture with his hands as to the size of 'swan's bust.

"Oh, her! Wait, she doesn't have some kind of weird face under that mask does she?"

"Does it matter? Does your line of sight actually have any important business that high up?" The Hokage asked, gesturing again with his hands. "You could even just tell her to put her mask back on – ANBU are honestly more comfortable that way."

Naruto had an 'I see' moment. "You are indeed an intelligent and insightful negotiator, old man. I can see now that your many years of Hokage-ness aren't just for show. I hope to one day be as amazing and with as many favors owed to me by big-jugged kunoichi as you. Truly you are an inspiration and a role model for aspiring ninja children everywhere. You, sir, have yourself a deal."

* * *

A/N: Nothing to really note.


	7. Let's Skip the Demon Brothers Battle

Eh. The poll changed. I put one up _just _for this story on my author's page. Huzzah.

* * *

Everyone Does the Demon Brothers Fight

(So let's just skip it)

Sakura was torn between anger and concern. "I can't believe you got yourself poisoned."

Naruto shrugged. "It's okay. I have a huge healing factor. I've even eaten blowfish before – raw."

"That's insane!" Sakura gasped.

Naruto just shrugged again. "In my defence, I was going to fry it but it looked a lot like some kind of fruit roll-ups because it was flat and also brightly colored at the time. And hey, I'm from the streets. I'm hardcore. But I thought C-Rank missions didn't have ninja? Is my burgeoning organ-business already off to a roaring start?"

"I – I – I can explain!" Tazuna stuttered.

x-one explanation later-x

"Wow…" Naruto mused. That was pretty touching, actually.

"See? Right?"

"But you're a lush." Sakura pointed out

"And a liar." Sasuke mentioned flatly

"Come on! Would I lie about something as serious as this –after- having lied about something like this before and getting caught?"

"Probably." Kakashi shrugged.

"Yeah." Sakura added. "I don't actually see what would stop you from doing it more than once."

"Hn."

"Fucker." Naruto kicked the man in his shins. "You're lucky I need you biologically fresh."

"W-Wait." Tazuna said, holding his hands up.

"And no more booze for you!" Naruto exclaimed, taking the man's bottle. "That liver is just something I'm letting you hold onto for now. Don't fuck with my liver."

"Hold on! Can't we make some kind of a deal?"

"A deal, huh?" Naruto mused. "Hmmm. Now that you mention it, I've been thinking about something for a while. You know, only half of what you pay for a mission ends up in the ninja's pockets… If we let this C-Rank go, we can take the difference between it and an A-rank in cash without going through the tower." Naruto pointed out, utilizing his patented Fuck the system-no jutsu. "We'd make almost twice the money of an A-Rank instead of exactly the money for a C-Rank."

"That would never work." Kakashi wrote off. "Others have tried and the tower now makes a habit of doing follow-ups – which, ironically, increases their costs and decreases the margin of what we get at the end of the day."

"Um. I am the active mayor of our village." Tazuna offered. "You know, if that helps me keep all my important bits exactly in the place where nature intended."

"Their mayor is a lying fat drunk guy." Naruto sighed. "That didn't introduce himself as the mayor, but as a guy who built bridges. No wonder they're taking it up the figurative poop-shoot."

Sasuke considered the situation. He had been ready to vote to continue the mission simply for pride and experience's sake but now he realized that they had reason and means to exploit this guy. He suddenly remembered that he was a ninja, and capable of ninja-ish things, of which included blackmail and being paid for being an asshole. "If I help you…" Sasuke began, "your entire village must spend the rest of their lives with their ears to the ground for the activities of a certain man."

"Well, I think we can manage just looking and listening out for news of someone for you."

"If I help you," Naruto began, "every family must name their first-born son Naruto and the bridge must be christened Uzumaki. Also, the color orange must be legally adopted as your national flag."

"You mean, on the flag?"

"No. The whole flag itself will just be orange."

"How… How would we tell kids apart for the purposes of role calls and such?"

"You will affix after their name a colon and the words 'the second' or 'the third' and so on." Naruto explained. "Obviously, I will be Naruto: The First."

"… How about I give you my store-room of booze and a hot girl to drink it with?"

Naruto spent exactly 0.3 seconds weighing this against the various bills of which he was responsible for. "You, sir, have yourself a deal."

Kakashi held up his hand. "Can I get that package, replacing the hot girl with a hot girl's metric weight in soft-to-hardcore porn?"

"I…suppose…so?"

Sakura wasn't entirely certain that she wanted to risk her life like this, but felt that she couldn't very well disagree with her crush and so she may as well get in on the action. "I want –"

She stopped herself when she realized that there was very little that she wanted out of life that wasn't R-Rated. She struggled to find something she could get from someone other than Sasuke…

Which she could openly ask for in front of him.

Nope. Nothing.

* * *

A/N: I always hated how quick they agreed to go with Tazuna. The first time I saw it in the anime I rolled with it because a lot of stuff was going on and I didn't pay much attention to it. Now, it just seems incredibly presumptuous to believe this guy and also not make him pay for lying to you about your life or death mission circumstances.


	8. Kyuubi Intermission 3

In which Naruto and the Kyuubi find further common ground.

* * *

Kyuubi Intermission 3

"Foolish child. No gifts today?" Kyuubi asked, not even deigning to look at her visitor as she lounged upon her new, extra fluffy couch in a simple kimono. "You are slacking off."

The fallout from the war had been fairly benign. The two warring sides were, after all, experienced pranksters. It would be an ultimate shame for one such as they if they were ever accused of being able to give it, but not take it. If there were such a thing as maturity around the rules of prank war… there it existed. The two would even begrudingly admit that the other 'wasn't half bad'.

One of these rules was that Naruto, being the one to have gotten the last and nastiest blows in, had to work off the presumed difference in the war tallies.

"I'm not made out of free time you know. I had enough trouble replacing all the crap in here after the prank war. I can't go examining every new little thing so that it appears here in my mindscape. I'm still working on getting moss in here."

"You are both lazy and uncultured. I have decided what I wish for next."

"Again? Give me a –"

"You should read more of these 'Spot' books. I find his suffering most amusing."

"Wha – Spot? Seriously? That thing's for kids. I haven't read it in years."

"Fool. That you think so only proves you lack the higher sensibilities to appreciate it. Pearls before swine. It has been years but your mind remembers it vividly enough for me to read, does it not? That is due to its poignancy. I cannot even reach the end, so filled with need am I to ponder each deceptively simple page at length. Surely a kitsune must have transformed and written this book in a misguided attempt to educate your race."

"… You realize it eventually has a happy ending for the dog, right?"

"What? Impossible! Let me see! O Gods! It is true! What is this disjointed, dues ex machina like development! I smell the foul stench of corporate marketing manglement in this publication! Burn this last page forever from your mind!"

Naruto sighed. "Anyways, I came here with an actual reason you know. I've gotten tired of being shot down by Sakura for my pickup lines, so I figured I'd practice on you. And get shot down here."

"You are so eager to mate?"

"In a word? Hell-fucking-yes."

"That was not –"

"I know. I tried to break it down to one, but that doesn't really capture my feelings totally."

"And you have difficulties? Even I will admit that, as mortals go, you hold the skill and intelligence of a decent prankster."

"Yeah, I know right? Somehow girls just don't appreciate it."

"How strange."

"You're telling me."

"Well disregarding your strange human ways," Kyuubi huffed, "I will provide you no such aid. Your trinkets and your fake moss and your twisted literature have bought not even a second of my time. They are owed to me by our truce."

Naruto shrugged. "Luckily I don't _need_ you to care. I'll just read them off and watch your reaction."

"Attempt your pointless endeavour. It will be futile. I tell you this now." She sat straight on her couch, straight-backed and facing away from him.

Naruto ignored her. "Hey baby you're so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what's your name?"

Kyuubi huffed, but said nothing. Two of her tails twitched a little bit.

Naruto rated that a two. On the good or bad scale, he hadn't a clue. But it was two of something, of that he was sure.

"You must be this beautiful *Naruto makes a hand gesture for small height* to ride the me."

Kyuubi scoffed. One tail twitched.

Naruto wrote down a 1. Probably a bad 1.

"My name is Justin. Justincredible."

Kyuubi groaned.

x-later-x

Naruto 'ahem'ed. "Hey baby, are your legs tired?"

"Oh spare me." Kyuubi drawled languidly. She was bored out of her mind after what seemed like hours of offensive, immature, and just plain terrible attempts at flirtation. At this point she was rolled over with her feet kicked up into the air and her head hanging down to stare dispassionately at her human company from an upside-down viewpoint.

Just to try and brake the stale monotony. "How do your kind ever procreate if your solicitations cause your women's ears to bleed?" The only redeeming quality of these one-liners was that they were morbidly interesting. That, and it was entertaining in a way to see the kit so determined to mate that he would single-mindedly suffer through this madness.

Naruto cleared his throat. "Hey baby, are your legs tired?"

Kyuubi gave a suffering sigh. If this was any less interesting then it would actually be more exciting to be all alone in this cage with nothing to do but scratch her fake moss. "No. I am a thought. I think I am not tired and therefore I am not."

"Because you've been running through my dreams all night."

"Nonesense. Your dreams are beyond the door that separates my cage from your mind at large. It was closed all night."

Naruto sighed. "I'll put that as a N/A. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them."

"What in the world is a Windex? And one does not wear pants under a kimono. I recall that much of human clothing."

"Okay. That's another N/A. Oh. You'll probably understand this one. Pardon me, are you in heat?"

"How brazen!" Kyuubi gasped, snapping up to a defensive crouch. "Have you no shame?"

"Right. That's a 'no' then."

"If you have to _ask _then you're not fit to partner with _anyone_!"

"What? So… is that a 'yes'?"

"Idiot!"

"I'll put it down as a 'maybe'."

x-later-x

"I am conducting a field test of how many woman have pierced nipples."

"I have literally heard more original material from a doppelganger demon. So you have accomplished quite a feat, in the most distressingly disappointing of ways. Where exactly are you getting your material?"

"I got them from this book. It's probably in your funky bookshelf if you look for it."

"This seems like a good time to test weather burning it here will erase it from your memory."

"Give me a break, okay? I need it. It was like, the last pickup line book in all of Konoha. The rest were sold out."

"That is morbidly pathetic."

"It's a niche market, okay? I just haven't had any luck with my own original lines so that's why I'm resorting to this. This isn't any fun for me, either, you know."

"I understand that. If you found enjoyment in this misguided quest I think I would have to throw you over a cliff."

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Okay. Try this one: You know how they say skin is the largest organ? …Not in my case."

Kyuubi froze. Then, she snickered.

"Hey, you liked that?"

"N-No. I *snicker* That's just *snicker* ridiculous. It's just such a _male _thing to –"

"Alright!" Naruto exclaimed. "I've got my ticket to success! Hang on Sakura-chan, here I come!"

Kyuubi raised an eyebrow at the quickly emptied room. "I was not using 'male' as a compliment in that case, you know."

x-later-x

"Astounding. You were chastised so soundly that it has not only knocked you unconscious and returned you here. It has actually impacted your mental image of your own self."

Naruto, sporting a large bump on his mental image head, sighed and shrugged. "I would have to say it was more demeaning than painful."

"That would explain it."

"This is shit. Why's it so freaking hard to get a girl? I'm _blonde_ and _fun!_ Hell, I even have a _job_ and my _own apartment!_"

"Fool. No amount of prose or material goods can modify a 0 to be more than itself. I see now why your pranking ability has failed to catch you a mate! Your basic assumptions of courtship are wrong. The very idea of these 'pickup lines' is beyond repulsive. What in the world are they _teaching_ you in your human learnings?"

"What, like, at school? Hell, I don't know. This one class they brought in a diagram and explained the mechanics. They were X-ray or bisected pictures… or something. Actually… it was kind of a turn-off."

"How_ typical_. Your mentors will expend hundreds of hours on nations and kin that are long since dead, but not more than 1 on the creation of new life. That is just so very human."

Naruto, for the very very first time in his life – and fate willing, the last – felt a need to defend his history classes. "I suppose you know better, then?" He challenged.

"Of course I do! I am the great Kyuubi. I am ancient. I have dined at the side of a greater Kami and played tailsie with her husband literally under her nose."

"…What's 'tailsy'?" Naruto had to ask.

"It is like footsie, of course, but with tails."

"What's –"

Kyuubi demonstrated a lewd motion with one foot.

"That," Naruto swallowed. Hard. "That looks both demeaning, and inexplicably hot at the same time."

"Of course it is. That's rather the point. I knew the man for two hours, and on the third he was in _my _bedmoss. I have seduced men by the score and hunted devout abstainers for nothing but _sport_. Sit there and thank your lucky stars, mortal. I shall right your misguided worldview."

"Right. Is that experience in human form or in giant killer fox form?"

"Foolish kit, it is all the same dance. Only the steps change - and only ever so slightly. Now, before we discuss anything else, you must begin by preening your coat and clearing it of bugs and other unsavory matter."

"I have a bad feeling about this."

* * *

A/N: Common ground. That's the ticket.


End file.
